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| Highlight of the week: The Governor of New York showing up at my event. That showed me the power of the organization I work for. I have to say it was the triumph of all my years of event planning, regardless of what your views are on him. It was definitely a rush.
Lowlight of the week: My moodiness, which I think is related to my lack of consistent reliance on God. I find myself snacking on crap, avoiding exercise, and being close to tears. I don't think it's hormonal either. Rather, spiritual. The plunging of my spirits.
But for some reason I've gained the strength to stand stronger by my convictions, even about very controversial things like gay marriage and abortion. I think I've been able to surround myself with people who allow me to speak my mind without immediately condemning me if they don't agree with me, or if I hold an unpopular view. This is awesome. I really appreciate the safe space to develop my stances on things.
Tonight, I just need a hug... things have changed so much this year. Sometimes I just want the phone to ring. It doesn't happen often, but I know that it will, eventually. | | |
| My trainer spun around in his chair and told me that, should I not be a different person by the time this program was over, or if I did not make active decisions -- even active decisions to do nothing -- by the time we next met, he would be very disappointed. Or I would not be progressing as he hoped.
Up to now we have been taught to lead ourselves. There is a watchfulness as trainers pace, observing how we interact with each other, create rules, determine what lines exist and which can or cannot be crossed. We are to become the best that we can be, given our hand.
I am entering another phase. These past three months have been shocking at times, numbing or disabling. But I've also had moments of clarity.
Moments like -- I know I won't work for an organization or company that doesn't strive for real change. The daily work has got to be at times close to the ground, and yet have the reach and impact from high above. As much as I admire art and culture for the way it makes people aware of each other, live, think, share or shut out... I respect policy and recognize its power. Policy can immediately transform people's lives and make things easier or harder for a lot of people at once.
The training I'm undergoing can help people break into, or seriously consider fields one would never consider before. Labor! Politics. Government. The Man. The Anti-Man.
For me, new areas I'm quietly noting are immigration law, communications for government, campaign strategy.
Labor represents real power that keeps corporations in check. That's amazing to me.
These are just thoughts. Unformed, but beginning to form.
***
What's stressful? Not having that second brain I've come to rely on -- that significant other. The first three months of being single are never easy. Watching movies by myself helps. Eating with others helps. Isolating my own voice helps. Reading books helps. Decorating myself helps. Deleting helps.
So does the bad habit of locking myself in my room and listening to Death Cab for Cutie on end. CP used to find me in a depressed state atop my quilts absorbing emo set to soft electronic beats. He used to worry about me.
"little bird, little bird, little bird / well i've got one more question / and i'll swear i'll let it rest" -- imogen heap | | |
| taking a toll on my body. i feel like bridget jones. my fellow campaign staffers commented on my thighs, hips and belly today. it's that fried chicken! jamaican meat patties, cheese pizza for lunch and dinner, dozens of glazed donuts.
i'm in southeast queens -- st. albans, the "harlem of queens" -- campaigning for the labor union DC 37 to get billy thompson elected as the next mayor. it's been great bonding with the ladies, the african-american retirees who reliably show up every day for eight hours to make phone calls and leaflet. today, a guy came into the office trying to sell us stolen meat out of the back of his truck. he wore an apron and another counted money. they tried to sell us oxtails, pigs' feet and fresh steaks for $4 each instead of $12. we admired the bones, but didn't buy any thanks to miss maylene, one of our ladies who used to work in a butchery shop and could identify the freshness of meat and when and where it was packaged.
"i can't deal with you," she solemnly told the young men. they jumped in the back of the truck and sped away.
we daydreamed aloud about steak till it was time to head home.
it's a rare opportunity for me to spend days and hours steeped in a neighborhood of queens that i would never have known about. a neighborhood where louis armstrong and billie holiday supposedly lived, in the big houses up the block. a 20-minute bus ride from the end of the E train. where gang initiations still occur, men waiting at bus stops with tears tattooed beneath an eye. where it's about the democratic club, the NAACP and the reverend. where everyone recognizes someone on the computerized phone list.
***
i feel myself prioritizing career over everything else in my life. it was a pact i made with myself, i'm not quite sure when. i do still see the need for balance, for sanity, for space and the breathing that i value so much.
after the mayoral election, my colleagues and i are hitting the hamptons for a couple of days to recharge and reconnect. it's going to be awesome. cooking meals for each other, grocery shopping, having deep, earth-shattering discussions. i've come to expect that now--to be challenged and to test one other. but to encourage, as well. | | |
| setting up structure when there is none. standing by your work. submitting something you're proud of.
i've been listening to lady gaga on repeat and eating the spiciest som tum (green papaya salad) from chao thai to force myself to stay awake after a night of debauchery (more or less) and read several groundbreaking papers on undocumented students' access to higher education across the united states. i am so impressed by the collective work of this woman to shed light on this incredibly vulnerable population. she quantifies data that is absolutely necessary for city, state and federal law to be passed in order to give thousands of people a chance at a future.
i hope that i can pull together my shiznit to make my very first policy memo happen. i want this to be useful, goddamnit.
in other news, it's been so good to get together with old friends and party like it's 1997. i hate the mta right now because its service changes are taking away hours of my life and depleting my wallet as i try to shlep between elmhurst and civilization.
a few hours of rest, and then back to business. | | |
| I'm working tonight on presenting my Adaptive Challenge tomorrow. This is a challenge that requires a change in people's minds and hearts. Versus a Technical Challenge - something that has a mechanical answer and may just require a phone call to an expert.
Just a glimpse of some of the hard and involved work my colleagues and I are up to lately. I have undergone more change than usual... I moved suddenly to a neighborhood I wasn't planning on moving to. I'm experiencing government work for the first time and figuring out how to serve the people in a large bureaucracy. I am single and unattached for the first time in months. I am enduring the loss of my grandfather. I am uninsured. I have a horrible haircut that I hate that looks nothing, nothing like Heidi Klum's.
The usual sob story, I guess. I am just trying to focus on what the heck it is I want to do with my life. What my purpose is. The adaptive challenge. | | |
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